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WorkJoke.com - Profession Jokes | Psychologists and Psychiatrists Psychologists and Psychiatrists JokesA guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help
me, you fat slob?"Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No
one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware
that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about
to bite off your ear.A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't
stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out
his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states,
"That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture.
"And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's
a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the
same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a
man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the
dirty pictures!"A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named
your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, let's go home." A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with
you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You
see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In
the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help
me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end
up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a
week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen
your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people,
when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The
psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The
psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and
declares: "That's his problem."
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of
the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last
month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological
techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for
me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile
broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with
the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name
of that clinic?"
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say
that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats! Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get
you!
Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy,
I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying
'It's a madhouse.'"Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the
psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it
went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks
like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and
withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to
other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made
an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?" Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of
them.When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist
began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said.
"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens
and the Earth..."In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He
finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware
and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the
psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict
Arnold. I have the plans."Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the
fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had
gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he
knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try
something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in
the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic,
and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much
better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured
me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one
session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle
poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of
smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The
psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from
Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm
sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up
the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the
ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a
psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry,
why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with,
what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them
tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"One behaviorist to another after lovemaking:
"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?" How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at
a psychiatric hospital?
 The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.
The staff have the keys!Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.
Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...
Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?
Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next
minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?
Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don't answer!Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress,
I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture. How psychiatrists do it...
Psychiatrists do it on the couch.
Psychiatrists think they do it.
Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars per session.How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
 None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
"How long have you been having this phantasy?"
"Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?" Home | About Us | Links | Contact Us | Privacy StatementOur database has been compiled using various sources and feedback from users. Therefore we cannot be held responsible for the authenticity of the jokes.Copyright © 2008 All rights reserved Ximon Media BVvar gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www.");document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src="http://www.workjoke.com/projoke30.htm/" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E"));try {var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-5932382-2");pageTracker._trackPageview();} catch(err) {} |
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