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Mr. Carpio's Wacky Computer Cures
Step
right up and let Mr. Carpio educate and rid you of your computer woes!
Below are tried and true prescriptions for computer blues
and frustrations actually posted on the Net. If you ever have computer problems
-- who doesn't? -- then perhaps my solutions may just hold some answers.
Copying programs to diskette in Windows 95.
Turning off computers when not in use.
Home PC buying advice.
A highly philosophical question.
Duplicate messages.
New book.
Copying messages across mailboxes.
What's RAM?
Screen freeze.
Sprinkler-alarm system.
Which laptop?
Rumble Pak.
Busted keyboard.
  Cure #1Copying Programs to Diskette in Windows 95
Does anyone know how to copy a program from a hard disk onto a floppy
using Windows 95? (backup doesn't seem to work on mine)
Easy! First open a DOS window. A DOS window is the void wherein Windows
offers a view of your PC's internals. Once you have your DOS window open, poke
your head inside. When you find the files you want to copy, slowly ease your
arms inside the DOS window. With a pair of scissors in one hand and glue in the
other all you now have to do is what is technically known as a "cut-and-paste"
operation.
If this doesn't work, then the following solution may help solve your
problem:
First, take the subwoofer of your home theater system off its
case and set its huge magnet on top of your computer preferably near where you
think your hard disk is located. Then, take your jar of pennies and drop the
coins in the slots behind your monitor while making sure that the power is on.
Finally, lay your keyboard on the floor and start touch-typing on it with your
toes by resting your right heel on the numeric keypad and your left heel on
the caps lock key. Doing all this will eliminate all your computer-related
problems.
 Cure
#2Turning Off Computers When Not In Use
Should computers be turned off when not in use?
It does not matter. The idea is to be able to get out of the office early
without your colleagues or your boss knowing you're history.
Before you go, make sure your PC is powered on. Then leave some important
looking documents open on the Windows desktop -- this will give the illusion
that you're still around. While you're at it, make sure the Bouncing
Kamoongas icon isn't highlighted in the Program Manager window.
Don't waste time turning off your computer. Just sneak out as quickly and as
quietly as you can. If they notice your disappearance and question you the
following day, tell them you were in the toilet. Although you carry your beeper
with you at all times, tell them you don't usually take your cell phone with you
while in the toilet. Then grumble something like, "Maybe next time I'll
carry a pair of poop-scissors with me to the toilet in case I have to cut short
my stay in there!"
Cure
#3Home PC Buying Advice
I need some advice on my upcoming purchase of a new home PC. Like all
new buyers, I'm worried about the constant and rapid advances in the PC
technology that what you may buy now might become obsolete quite fast.
Budgetwise, mine is very restricted and would like to see this investment pay
off.
If you want to get the most out of your money, get an 8086 clone or a
computer with a NECV20 CPU. They're true 16-bit computers unlike the IBM PC with
its 8088 CPU. The 8086 and the NECV20 CPUs have data bus and registers that are
16 bits wide. Although the 8088 CPU has 16-bit registers, its data bus is only
8 bits wide. It's like the 8088 CPU can munch data 16 bits at a time, but the "spoon"
(data bus) it's using can only scoop 8 bits at a time.
And dig this: the 8086 clones come with a whopping 640K of RAM! Compare this
with the Apple II's meager 64K of RAM -- that's 10 times more memory! And at 12
MHz, that's 12 times faster than the Apple's 6502!!!
Try to get one with dual 360K floppy drives. If you can afford a floppy
drive with 1.2 MB, so much the better. I heard Windows 2.0 comes in 1.2 MB
floppy disks. Two diskette drives will also be essential if you plan to run
dBase III.
If you can wait, the IBM PC AT with its super-duper 80286 processor is just
around the corner. Its protected and real modes of operation should make your
investment last a lifetime.
Cure #4A
Highly Philosophical Question
Mr. Carpio, you've got a well- manicured piece up there. It is a
classic.
Thanks!
I get a bit philosophical whenever I'm praised. Sure enough, a very highly
philosophical question pops into my brain -- Does it make sense to recommend
today's latest and greatest hardware to build an app that's purely DOS-based?
That way, the app can harness all the machine's raw power to itself and not
waste overhead meant for today's graphics-intensive, multitasking operating
systems?
Allow me to ponder on this highly philosophical question as I take today's
newspaper with me to the toilet...
 Cure #5Duplicate
Messages
Why do I sometimes get duplicate/triplicate messages (same subject)?
Computers are sometimes like that. They don't necessarily mean to confuse
their owners but the dawning of symmetric multiprocessing, timeslicing,
multithreading, and IP addresses in the 4 billion range has overwhelmed even
the mightiest of processors to give our home computers a certain degree of
forgetfulness reminiscent of my grandmother's sporadic memory. With so many
tasks up in the air, a home computer would at times seemingly sit idle while it
tries to wrestle complex problems like "What's this week-old message doing
in my outgoing tray?! That wasn't there the last time I checked!", or "Have
I forwarded this guy this message? I'm sure he won't mind another copy.",
or "Hmmm, is this message incoming or outgoing?"
This forgetfulness is usually harmless. However, if you consider that one
powerful multitasking operating system once "forgot" that it has
already adjusted its system clock one hour forward after Daylight Saving Time
started and mistakenly adjusted it a second time, then things can get a bit
hairy as you could end up waking up one hour late in a universe gone awry in the
spacetime continuum and miss out on the free doughnuts and bagels at work on
Monday mornings.
Ironically, the only alternative in ensuring the timely
delivery of our messages is to rely less on computers and instead unlock the
hidden powers of the mind that tap into the unseeable ether. I am furtively
writing a book on how to do this. The book will be titled "From Nets To
Nuts: How To Send E-Mail By Mental Telepathy".
Cure
#6New Book
When your book gets published save one "autographed" copy for
me, will 'ya? BTW, is computer hacking possible via Mental Telepathy too?
First of all, thank you for your enthusiasm about my new book. Like you, I
am so excited. I will be very, very busy signing books at major book retailers
in mega, mega malls nationwide but I will certainly find time to send you a
complimentary, autographed copy.
I suppose when armed with the information found in my forthcoming book, "From
Nets To Nuts: How To Send E-Mail by Mental Telepathy", one can apply his or
her own creativity and do whatever he or she wants -- including hack computer
systems! At this time I am not allowed to disclose details but the book will be
divided into three major parts:
Part 1.The first part will provide exercises on thought projection with
complete instructions on how to perform fantastic spasms and convulsions like
lolling your head around your neck and making facial contortions until you
realize this isn't the way to achieve a meditative state.
Part 2.
This part will tell you all you need to know about X.25, packet switching
networks, TCP/IP, and ActiveX to allow you to successfully inject messages
into the ether.
Part 3.
Part three, for advanced users, will teach you how you may send and receive
messages from the beyond so you can establish a communication link with your
dead relatives and friends.
Cure
#7Copying Messages Across Mailboxes
How can I copy e-mail messages from one e-mail address to my main
address. I don't want it to be forwarded, I only want it copied to my mailbox.
Does anyone know how?
To forward messages to a second mailbox, aim a DC40 digital camera at your
ViewSonic 17GA monitor and take digital images of your e-mail messages then use
OCR technology to rasterize the messages off the images into your second
mailbox.
Or plug a Labtec microphone to your Spatializer-equipped SoundBlaster
AWE 32 and read your messages aloud while a speech recognition program converts
your spoken words from EBCDIC into plain, ASCII text.
Whoever proclaims the plethora of computer gadgets and gizmos in
search of problems to solve is reaching incredible proportions is dead wrong. My
computer is bedecked with sophisticated accouterments which to the casual
observer may seem like a horror show but to the insatiable computer owner a
bundle of joy with one hundred and one everyday uses. If you ever have computer
problems and are beset by technobabble, call me for advice. That's why I'm here!
 Cure #8What's RAM?
I didn't know there were different types of RAM and Pentium chips.
Could someone tell me what they and their uses are. Just curious so at least
I'll have something to ask the computer guy the next time I buy another
computer.
It sometimes amazes me to think that we live in a day and age where sitting
on top of the world is the nerdiest nerd with the nerdier nerds around him
squabbling and clawing their way up to try and topple him. Not exactly a sight
of splendor to behold, mind you (especially if you consider their hairstyle --
or the lack of it). Yet for those good in math, perhaps the easiest thing to do
is to become a programmer, a job envied by many because of its steady flow of
dough. It comes as no wonder then that babes nowadays prefer to pick up PC
technicians than be picked up by cool dudes in fast cars.
Although geek-speak will no doubt grab your PC technician's attention,
a little suggestive language works equally well. You could begin with the
classic "I'd like to handle your joystick" or start blabbering about
Web servers then all of a sudden exclaim, "Is yours up, yet?! Oh, I can't
wait for yours to go up!" You could also breathe into his ear, "You
don't need a surge suppressor on my laptop" or say, "Your internal
harddrive is showing, if you know what I mean" while slowly licking your
lips around with your tongue.
You don't have to understand what you are saying -- rest assured that
all of these work. After all, even though they may seem like social psychopaths
devoid of human interaction, computer geeks like all men created equal are just
as gullible.
Cure
#9Screen Freeze
My PC screen freezes quite often lately. Earlier I pulled some e-mail,
read them, but did not exit the program. I got a screen saver so the screen
blacked out. After a couple of hours, I tried to restore the screen -- hit some
keys, clicked the mouse. It didn't work. So I turned off my PC. And the mail
that I pulled last were all lost. What causes my screen to freeze? Is there any
other way to restore it aside from rebooting? How much damage will this do to my
PC, hard drive, or memory?
Frustrations in PC ownership are so commonplace that I have to fight the
urge to yawn when disaster strikes. Fortunately, solving your problem is a piece
of cake.
Apparently, the cause of your problem is heat. With three million
transistors whizbangpopping between two layers of silicon wafers spaced only
microns apart (you don't actually hear them but if you hold your ear real close
to the processor, you will), the processor dissipates so much heat that even the
heat sink, CPU fan, and ozone-safe, chlorofluorocarbon-powered cooling system
combined are inadequate for holding down the CPU's blazing temperature. There
are, however, a few things you can do to cool down the torrid climate inside
your box.
If you have enough expansion slots, rearrange your expansion boards
so that they are spaced one slot apart. This should provide better ventilation.
If you don't have enough expansion slots, use lineman's pliers to carefully bend
the expansion boards away from the power supply which can be a notorious source
of heat.
Big files weigh down the hard disk's platters thus requiring the
harddrive to work harder which then generates more heat. Get rid of files with
odd-sounding names like WIN32.SYS, KRNL386.EXE, REGISTRY.DAT, and all those
little .DLLs -- they contain so much bloated code anyway.
These are just some of the ways of keeping your PC cool and
functioning. If after doing all this your PC still grinds to a halt, let me know
and I'll tell you how you can install an under-the-hood sprinkler alarm system.
That should take care of all your computer woes for good.
Cure
#10Sprinkler-Alarm System
This sprinkler alarm system, can I install it in my boss' computer? I
would like to do it before he does my yearly evaluation or before I go on
vacation.
I think I know what you're up to and I'm all for it! However, installing the
sprinkler-alarm system is time-consuming and labor-intensive -- you'd need to
know how to weld metal together and wear a flame retardant suit similar to those
worn by the dead aliens found in Roswell to test your installation. I have a
much simpler solution that could yield even better results.
First, sneak into your boss' office when he's not around and turn on
his computer. Then, run his e-mail program and select "configuration
options". Finally, add a signature file that reads something like, "BTW,
I always knew you were a peckerhead!"
Cure
#11Which Laptop?
I am planning to buy a laptop and all of you know that this is a
big investment. I've heard that Toshiba is good. Also, I've heard from friends
that a Mac Powerbook (is it right?) or any Mac laptop is better than an
IBM-compatible?
Whoa! I myself am craving for a laptop as I am on the road a lot and would like
to project my image as an also busybody -- a laptop on your lap while sitting in
a commuter train is guaranteed to attract customers and employers, take my word
for it! Unfortunately, mine will have to be a used, 386, monochrome model that
only works occasionally, that is, if I can dig deeper into my already
bottomed-out pocket. But then, customers and employers are a computer-illiterate
bunch so what does it matter that I've got a flaky dinosaur sitting on my lap?
So here's what I recommend. I recommend that you go buy the latest 666Mhz
Pentium demon in the hopes that you'd just as soon realize your mistake and
spring for a Powerbook. When you're about ready to discard your Pentium laptop,
toss it my way. I'd gladly trade you my Rumble Pak Accessory Kit. What it is is
you attach the Rumble Pak to the bottom of your laptop so that when you prop
your laptop on your lap, the Rumble Pak is wedged high up between your thighs.
What it does is each time you get a Windows General Protection Fault (GPF), it
vibrates. With Windows running on the Powerbook and continually generating GPFs,
you can achieve blissful ecstasy without anybody ever knowing.
Cure
#12Rumble Pak
I enjoyed your description of the Rumble Pak. Where can I get one?
You have to pay exorbitant fees to become a member of this exclusive club I'm in
and then you can avail of the Naughty Computer Contraptions which include the
Rumble Pak, all at exorbitant prices.
I must caution laptop owners, though, in using their laptops too much.
Think of all the gamma radiation emanating from the gas plasma display, the
electromagnetic waves dissipating from the disks' spinning platters, and the
laptop's proximity to your reproductive organs. These have been found to be a
leading cause of sterility among laptop owners. Do what I do. Play it safe. Wear
lead underwear.
Cure
#13Busted Keyboard
The keyboard I'm using has "rrrr" defects and repeats itself.
I'm trying my best but it's still doing it. Grrrrrr....
You don't need a new keyboard, you need a new CPU. Apparently, your CPU is
too slow that it lags behind your typing and to compensate, its BIOS makes the
assumption -- sometimes incorrectly -- that some keys are struck more than once.
A clock-tripled 486DX overdrive with built-in math coprocessor blazing at
100MHz will increase your system's throughput by up to 400% and should solve
your problem. Fortunately, CPUs have drastically come down in price and with
today's zero insertion force (ZIF) sockets, installing them is a breeze. All you
need is a claw hammer. You claw out the old CPU from the motherboard and use the
same claw hammer to pound the new CPU in place. That's all there is to breathing
new life into an aging machine.
Since June 29, 1997, there have been
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Copyright © 1997 V. Carpio
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