Psychology HumorPsychology humorAll items are either attributed to their source or not. Inthe latter case, at least for the long ones, I have traced thesource until someone told me, "I don't know where I got it."This site is a member of the Science Humor Webring, despitethe fact that psychology isn't really a science. Moreinformation at the bottom of the page.Please send more examples to baron@psych.upenn.edu.The etiology and treatment of childhoodDespair.comA day in the life of a decision scientist2:00 P.M. Need to be at Dulles airport by 5:30 for flight to Kansas City (via Chicago) for Judgment and Decision Making (JDM) conference. Need to decide whether to take 3:15 or 3:45 bus to Dulles. Gut says 3:45 since the benefit of an additional half hour at home is greater than the slightly increased risk of a missed flight. Head says it's Friday afternoon, might be big crowds on highway and at airport, better safe than sorry. Decide to take 3:15 shuttle but don't leave house in time. Take the 3:45 instead. Get to Dulles in plenty of time.4:00 P.M. Get in long line of United Premier members. After 10 minutes, realize there are two lines - human vs. non-human check-in machines. I'm in the twice-as-long human line, even though I have an e-ticket. If I switch now though, I'll be behind people who arrived 10 minutes after me. In order to avoid feeling like a loser, I stay in human line. Check bag (even though this was not my original intention) to justify the extra wait.6:00 P.M. United terminal in O'Hare airport. Go to Berghoff Café for dinner. Order cheese pizza and small beer. Price of pizza ($3.50) is written on menu. Price of beer is not. Reach cashier and learn that price of beer=price of pizza=ridiculous price for 14 oz. of beer. Feel flash of anger at sleazy marketing ploy. Forgive Berghoff's because pizza is really good.8:00 P.M. United flight to Kansas City. Wish I had a magazine. Sit down and see Newsweek in seatback. Feel excitement and small surge of irrational pride. Remove magazine. It is Polish Newsweek. Experience disappointment. Feel worse than I did when I first sat down. Derive satisfaction from observing the endowment effect and loss aversion in action. Combine satisfaction with disappointment and arrive at slightly less than neutral. 10:00 P.M. Arrive at Hyatt hotel. Am told the type of room I'd reserved (non-smoking king) was sold out. Do I want a king suite instead? I am tired and experience change aversion. I want the room I reserved. I ask if the suite will cost more. Am told the only difference is that the suite is larger and has a Murphy bed instead of a regular bed. Interrogate desk clerk to determine whether quality of Murphy mattress is greater than or equal to quality of regular mattress. He assures me there is no difference. Get to room, turn on light and inspect bed visually and dorsally. Try to retrieve memories of other hotel beds. Due to recency and frequency, all I can think of is my own bed. Too tired to continue research. Go to sleep.Deborah Frisch (Penn Ph.D.)Rap song inspired by "Thinking and deciding"I woke up and had a revelationCorrelation does not imply causation.The situation is quite terribleWhen you've got a confounding variable.Another reason to think carefully:Does B cause A or does A cause B?Popper said "I wonder why?Einstein's theory lived but Freud's has died.It seems to me the difference isThat Einstein's could be falsified."Suppose one day I say to you,"Hey listen up: 'If p, then q!'"And then I tell you: "p is true."Could you be sure that q's true too?And what if I'd said: "q is true."Could you conclude that p's true too?"[Not you again!]That's right! It's me!Is it "not q" if it's "not p?"[Please go away!]One more to do!Is it "not p" if it's "not q?"Peter Wason is the nameOf a man who liked card games.But unlike me and unlike youHe played with four, not fifty-two.Letters on the frontNumbers on the back."A" and "B" and "2" and "3"Are all that you can see.A rule has been proposed.You don't know if it's true."A card that has a vowelHas an even number too."Which cards must you inspectTo verify the rule?[Why not check them all?]No, that would not be cool!You've got to check the A(Don't bother with the B)The 2 can't give you troubleBut watch out for the 3!Doc Wason's backHe's got more tricksHere's a gameCalled 2-4-6.Your job is to name sets of threeTo test different hypotheses.[3-6-9?]Yes![1-2-3?]Well that works too.[I'm smart as you!][6-8-10?]Way to go, my friend![3-2-1?]No! Please try again.[10-12-14?]That's peachy keen![2-3-4?]Oy, how many more?[1-2-10?]Yes! We're near the end![5-6-8?]Right! You're doing great!I'm ready, now. I can guess your rule.I'm the one that you cannot fool.The rule you use for sets of three:Increasing numerosity!Deborah Frisch (Penn PhD)In the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill, the relativesgathered in the waiting room.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed theworried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is abrain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, risky, and you will haveto pay for the brain yourselves."The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"The doctor quickly responded, "$2000 for a female brain, and $5000 for amale brain."The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoidingeye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyonewanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire groupsaid, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the femalebrains down, because they've been used."(From Sergiu Hart, although he probably got it somwhere else.)Some kids were in the habit of teasing one of their group byrepeatedly offering him a choice between a nickel and a dime. Healways chose the nickel, "because it's bigger."One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know thata dime's worth more than a nickel?"The kid answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stopdoing it!"Contributed by Barry F. AndersonAn old Jew got a parrot from his sons after his wife died, tokeep him company. He discovered that the parrot had heard himpray so often, that it had learned to pray. The old man was sothrilled, that he decided to take his parrot to the synagogue onRosh Ha'shana (the Jewish new year). When he entered with thebird, the rabbi tried to protest, but when he told them theparrot could pray ("daven", in Yiddish), they got interested -though skeptical. People started betting on whether theparrot would pray, and the old man happily took all the bets.The prayer starts -- the bird is silent. The prayer continues -not a word from the bird. The prayer ends, and the old man,crestfallen, pays out the bets. On the way home he asks hisparrot: "What did you do to me? I know you can pray, you knowyou can pray, I bet you can pray - and you let me down!".Says the parrot: "Look ahead, man, can you imagine what the oddswill be like on Yom Kippur?".Contributed by Maya Bar-Hillel"Sir, What is the secret of your success?""Two words""And, Sir, what are they?""Right decisions.""And how do you make right decisions?""One word.""And, What is that?""Experience.""And how do you get Experience?""Two words""And, Sir, what are they?""Wrong decisions."Version due to Jacques Barber(From Olek's wisdom)Thinking - The Silent Disease*It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now andthen -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led toanother, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began tothink alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I wasthinking all the time.That was when things began to sour at home. One evening, I turned offthe TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that nightat her mother's.I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don'tmix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir,Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused,asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day, the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and ithurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. Ifyou don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," Iconfessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as acollege professor and college professors don't make any money, so if youkeep on thinking, we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood todeal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. Iheaded for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared intothe parking lot with a social reportage on the radio and ran up to thebig glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me thatnight. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, aposter caught my eye: "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" itasked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standardThinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: arecovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watcha non-educational video; last week it was /Porky's/. Then we shareexperiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life justseemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. The road torecovery is now nearly complete for me.Today I took the final step. I joined the Republican Party.Textbook bloopers (more wanted)"[Overinclusive thinking] is estimated to occur in 50% of all schizophrenics(Payne & Friedlander 1962). This figure, however, was based on a concept ofoverinclusion which was wider than the usual one."J. Cutting, The Psychology of Schizophrenia (1985), p. 331. (Submitted byMichael A. Covington.)"Varey and Kahneman (1992) told subjects that A must carry a30-pound suitcase for 200 years, B must carry it for 550 years,and C must carry it for 900 years. When subjects were askedwhether B's ``overall physical discomfort for the task as awhole'' is closer to A's or C's, most subjects thought it wascloser to A's."From Thinking and Deciding, 2nd ed., by Jonathan Baron.(Corrected in the 3d edition.)"Participants" wantedA Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants ina study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking fortherapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. Theresponse was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about threedays after the ad came out. All from the same person.The Dead Grandmother/Exam Syndrome and the PotentialDownfall Of American SocietySeasons greetingsOn the 12th day of Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival my significantother in a consenting, adult, monogamous, relationship gave to me:Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.Eleven pipers piping (plus an 18 member pit orchestra made up of members ingood standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their unioncontract, even though they will not be asked to play a note.)Ten melanin deprived testosterone poisoned scions of the patriarchal rulingclass system leaping.Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression.Eight economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products fromenslaved bovine Americans.Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands.Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domesticincarceration.(After members ofl the Animal Liberation Front threatened totthrow red paint at my computer, the calling birds, hens and partridge havebeen reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-Americanenslaavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)Four hours of recorded whale songs.Three deconstructionist poets.Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, andOne Spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Good Kwanzaa,, Blessed Yule, and HappyHolidays**unless you are suffering from seasonally affected disorder(SAD). If this isthe case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with thesuggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.Florida election recount[Original title: "Pavlov's birds" - obviously not from apsycholgist]An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard footballfield every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up anddown the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all overthe field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At theend of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home footballgame, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and thegame had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get offof the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.We at the CHEERS project invite you to visit our websiteand take the Wil-Burn Humour Type Test.It's like Myers-Briggs, without the calories.MagicTheMaggie Thatcher Illusion (adapted for the U.S.)Evolutionary web cameraPsychology cartoons from CurvYourDogOptimismHappinessApathyOn the psychologist'scouch (Cartoons by Gunborg Palme)A developmental stage theory of computer usersWhy did I become a social psychologist?(Compiled from various sources -- graduate students, post-docs, Dialogue,etc.)"I was forced into it" -- Kurt Lewin"It's such a pain, it must be great" -- Leon Festinger"I just like it, I don't know why" -- Robert Zajonc"We are better than those cognitive people" -- Henri Tajfel"The experimenter made me do it" -- Stanley Milgram"I was sipping a double espresso while someone next to me wasreading about social psychology" -- Stan Schacter"Everyone else did" -- Solomon Asch"I watched myself doing it for hours" -- Daryl Bem."My mom wanted me to be President and I said no. So then sheasked..." -- Bob Cialdini"Beats women's work And I like the power" -- Susan Fiske"I'm just the kind of guy who does things like this" -- LeeRoss "Lee does it because he likes it; I do it because of mycircumstances" -- Dick Nisbett "They threatened to lock me in my office and rip out my tongue witha pliers" -- Phil Zimbardo"Didn't someone else get a real job?" -- John Darley & BibbLatane "I just wanted to finish something" -- Arie Kruglanski"A very attractive women made many very persuasive arguments"-- Rich Petty "Damn, I really wish I had" -- Tom Gilovich"There wasn't a better alternative" -- John Thibaut"It was the right thing to do" -- Dan Batson."My best friend is very bad at it. And everyone in my family likesit!" -- Abe Tesser"It just sort of occurred to me" --Danny Kahneman"It struck me as an interesting possibility" -- HazelMarkus"I was trying to become anything BUT a social psychologist and thenI got distracted" -- Dan Wegner"Reasons? Yes, yes. I can think of reasons." -- Tim Wilson"At first I wasn't sure. But then I discussed it with a couple ofpeople and boom -- I loved it! " -- Gene Burnstein"I didn't become a social psychologist. No, really. I didn't. Iswear. It was someone else who LOOKS like me. Honest" - -BellaDePaulo "I saw it as an ideal I ought to live up to" -- ToryHiggins"I was at a social psychology conference and it seemed like the bestway for me to fit in" -- Mark Snyder"No reason. I really just wanted to and the award was an unexpectedsurprise!" -- Mark Lepper"Because I needed to make some copies" -- Ellen Langer"Someone called on a sunny day and asked what we thought of socialpsychology" -- Norbert Schwarz & Jerry Clore"I liked it immediately!" -- John Bargh"It seemed like a really good idea and not at all like a badidea" -- John Cacioppo"I was talking to a social psychologist one day and realized we hada lot in common" -- Donn Byrne"I thought it would look good on my resume" -- JimTedeschi"I knew I could succeed at it" - Al Bandura"I always wanted to join a collective" - Shinobu Kitayama"I stared and stared at it and it just would not go away" --Phoebe Ellsworth "Chicks dig it" -- David Buss"I must have been drunk" -- Mark Zanna."Ask Leon" -- Eliot Aronson"I looked in the mirror and saw the face of a social psychologiststaring back at me" -- Bob Wicklund"I have a theory about how that happened" -- Michael Ross"The first social psychologist I ever met was a real looker" --Elaine Hatfield"Some Yankee said I could not do it" -- Dov Cohen"Most of the variance associated with this decision is attributableto my perception of the field, but some is due to the field's perceptionof me and my perception of that perception" -- Dave Kenny"It made us happy, so how could there be anything wrong withit?" -- Shelley Taylor and Jonathon D. Brown."It provided meaning and value to my existence and only this wasable to prevent me from quivering like a blob of protoplasm at the grimspecter of my death" -- Greenberg, Pyszczynski & Solomon."I had heard a lot of good things about it" -- Postman"Everyone strongly advised me to do otherwise" -- JackBrehm"I guess there were fewer differences between me and socialpsychologists than between me and other people in general" -- JohnTurner"I thought social psychology would complicate my life" --Patricia Linville"Shit happens" - Paul Rozin"It was a lie I was comfortable living at that particularsocio-historic-temporal locality" -- Kenneth Gergen"First, let's define 'social psychologist' " -- Rom HarreComments about socialpsychology from famous individuals:"Not a bad role to play" -- Herbert Mead"In what other field can one succeed and yet wallow in the grossestignorance of Greek?" -- William James"They always have food at their meetings" -- Ivan Pavlov"No pigeon poop in their labs" -- B.F. Skinner"They all have we-ness envy" -- Sigmund Freud"It's just a stage people go through" -- E Erickson."I cannot imagine a higher pursuit than that of the socialpsychologist" -- Kohlberg"They got a great network" -- Rumelhart andMcClellandTop 10 new IRB-required additions to consent formsYou might die at any moment.The experimenter could be mentally undressing you.By not being home to answer your phone, you could be missing a chance to win a million dollars.If there is a God, s/he knows that you participated in this study.Participating in this research is onerous, harmful, and repugnant.Because there is no free will, you cannot really consent to this study.If at any time in the future you decide to withdraw from the study, the experimenter will retract all publications based on your data.Being paid to do this study is not a benefit to you, because money is the root of all evil.Everything the experimenter tells you is probably a lie, including this.You may not participate in this study.Michael BaileyACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.""Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep""It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.""I took an IQ test and the results were negative.""Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.""Give me ambiguity or give me something else.""He who laughs last, thinks slowest""Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.""Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.""Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.""Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.""3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.""Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?""Have you drugged your kids today?"The following From: "Bryan White" (wchslightman@hotmail.com)"You're just jealous because the voices talk to me.""I do what the voices in my head tell me to do."And one that I made up--at least I think..."Just because everyone's out to get me doesn't mean I'm paranoid."or"I'm not paranoid, it's just that the world's out to get me."or (from Kurt Cobain by way of Jamie Napier):Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you.A person walked into a New York bookstore and asked thesalesperson for a book that was made into a musical,which is still running. "Do you have Less Miserable?" Thesalesperson replied, "Look in the psychology section."From: EHFenwick@aol.comStatistical limericsby David HildebrandThe packages come out en masse,Like Minitab, Systat, and SAS.The ultimate messIs SPSS,Which everyone uses, alas.Two manic depressives named MastickHad marital problems, quite drastic.Her mood swings were mild,But his were quite wild.The two were not homoscedastic.Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. Theshrink informs them that they will have to pass a simpletest. Asking the first patient:Q. How much is two plus two?A: Blue.At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort thepatient back to his room.Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minusthree? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again theorderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the thirdand last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" Thepatient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed theninquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy.Bluemultiplied by square equals ten."(Contributed by Alex Koun)1-800-PSYCHHello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and whatyou want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tellyou which number to press.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to themother ship.If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # keyuntil a representative comes on the line.If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone,date of birth, social security number and your mother's maidenname.If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefullypress 000.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you haveshort-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memoryloss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan,lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for theoperator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number youpress. No one will answer.Daily Affirmations for the UnstableI no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, ofcourse, I want to stay employed.A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my InnerSociopath.I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels ofsuspicion and paranoia.Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are nosweeter words than "I told you so."I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me inmany ways to keep me quiet.I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that aresomeone else's fault.I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personalityat all.Joan of Arc heard voices too.When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearlyas gratifying.The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nicethings for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll findsomeone.Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worryingabout the future?I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn fromthem.Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically ChallengedSCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets andStores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm GonnaPout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, JingleBell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, JingleBell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave toMe (and then took it all away).Comedy Collective - Dora by Kim MorrisseyAlthough it's very funny, this play is also a suggested text for the Open University in England. In this scene, Freud can find many, many words for a man's member, and no word at all for 'toilet.'Freud on SeussThe following list of phrases and their definitions might helpyou understand the mysterious language of science (includingpsychology) and medicine. These special phrases are alsoapplicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academicpaper."IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too."IT MIGHT BE ARGUED THAT" ... I have such a good answer for thisobjection that I now raise it. [Thanks to Brendan Keefe.] "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong. "ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumour has it. "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess. "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either. "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOGGS FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Bloggs did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "IN AN IMPORTANT PAPER BY SMITH AND JONES, ..." This obscure paper bySmith and Jones agrees supports my theory."IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WILL STIMULATE FURTHER WORK IN THIS FIELD" ...This paper isn't very good, but neither are any others on this miserablesubject. [Thanks to Brendan Keefe.] "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.To: Editor, Archives of General PsychiatryDear Sir, Madame, or Other:Enclosed is our latest version of MS #85-02-22-RRRRR, that is,the re-re-re-revised version of our paper. Choke on it. We haveagain rewritten the entire manuscript from start to finish. Weeven changed the goddamned running head! Hopefully we havesuffered enough by now to satisfy even your bloodthirstyreviewers.I shall skip the usual point-by-point description of everysingle change we made in response to the critiques. After all, itis fairly clear that your reviewers are less interested indetails of scientific procedure than in working out theirpersonality problems and sexual frustrations by seeking some sortof demented glee in the sadistic and arbitrary exercise oftyrannical power over hapless authors like ourselves who happento fall into their clutches. We do understand that, in view ofthe misanthropic psychopaths you have on your editorial board,you need to keep sending them papers, for if they weren'treviewing manuscripts they'd probably be out mugging old ladiesor clubbing baby seals to death. Still, from this batch ofreviewers, C was clearly the most hostile, and we request thatyou not ask her or him to review this revision. Indeed, we havemailed letter bombs to four or five people we suspected of beingreviewer C, so if you send the manuscript back to them the reviewprocess could be unduly delayed.Some of the reviewers comments we couldn't do anythingabout. For example, if (as reviewer C suggested), several of myancestry were indeed drawn from other species, it is too late tochange that. Other suggestions were implemented, however, and thepaper has improved and benefited. Thus, you suggested that weshorten the manuscript by 5 pages, and we were able to do thisvery effectively by altering the margins and printing the paperin a different font with a smaller typeface. We agree with youthat the paper is much better this way.One perplexing problem was dealing with suggestions #13-28 byreviewer B. As you may recall (that is, if you even botherreading the reviews before doing your decision letter), thatreviewer listed 16 works the he/she felt we should cite in thispaper. These were on a variety of different topics, none of whichhad any relevance to our work that we could see. Indeed, one wasan essay on the Spanish-American War from a high school literarymagazine. the only common thread was that all 16 were by the sameauthor, presumably someone reviewer B greatly admires and feelsshould be more widely cited. To handle this, we have modified theintroduction and added, after the review of relevant literature,a subsection entitled "Review of Irrelevant Literature" thatdiscusses these articles and also duly addresses some of the moreasinine suggestions by other reviewers.We hope that you will be pleased with this revision andfinally recognize how urgently deserving of publication this workis. If not, then you are an unscrupulous, depraved monster withno shred of human decency. You ought to be in a cage. Maywhatever heritage you come from be the butt of the next round ofethnic jokes. If you do accept it, however, we wish to thank youfor your patience and wisdom throughout this process and toexpress our appreciation of you scholarly insights. To repay you,we would be happy to review some manuscripts for you; please sendus the next manuscript that any of these reviewers sends to yourjournal.Assuming you accept this paper, we would also like to add afootnote acknowledging your help with this manuscript and topoint out that we liked this paper much better the way weoriginally wrote it but you held the editorial shotgun to ourheads and forced us to chop, reshuffle, restate, hedge, expand,shorten, and in general convert a meaty paper into stir-friedvegetables. We couldn't or wouldn't, have done it without yourinput.Sincerely,Dear Dr.Thank you for your thoughtful response to my decision letterconcerning the above-referenced piece of excrement.I have asked several experts who specialize in the area ofresearch you dabble in to have a look at your pathetic littlesubmission, and their reviews are enclosed. I shall not waste myLaserJet ink reiterating the details of their reviews, but pleaseallow me to highlight some of the more urgent points ofcontention they raise:1. Reviewer A suggests that you cite his work EXCLUSIVELY in theintroduction. He has asked me to remind you that he spells hisname with a final "e" (i.e., Scumbage), not as you havereferenced him in the last version.2. Reviewer C indicates that the discussion can be shortened byat least 5 pages. Given the fact that the present Discussion isonly three pages long, I am not certain how to advise you.Perhaps you might consider eliminating all speculation andoriginal ideas.3. Reviewer D has asked that you consider adding her as aco-author. Although she has not directly contributed to themanuscript, she has made numerous comments that have, in herview, significantly improved the paper. Specifically, shebelieves that her suggestions concerning the reorganization ofthe acknowledgments paragraph were especially important. Pleasenote that she spells her name with an em-dash, and not with thecustomary hyphen.4. Reviewer B has asked that I inform you that, even though hissuggestions were not mentioned in my decision letter, thisdoesn't mean that he is an imbecile.5. My own reading of the manuscript indicates that the followingproblems remain: a. By "running head," we do not mean a picture of yourson's face with legs attached. Please provide a four- orfive-word title for the paper that summarizes the report's mostimportant point. May I suggest, "Much Ado About Nothing"? b. Please make certain that you have adhered to APAstylebook guidelines for publication format. Please direct yourattention to the section entitled, "Proper Format for anInsignificant Paper" (1995, p.46). c. Please submit any revision of the paper on plain, blankstationery. Submitting the article on Yale University letterheadwill not increase your chances of having the article accepted forpublication. d. Please doublecheck the manuscript for spelling andgrammatical errors. Our experience at the Archives is that"cycle-logical" slips through most spell-check programsundetected. e. Although I am not a quantitative scientist, it is myunderstanding that the "F" in F-test does not stand for"f___ing". Please correct the manuscript accordingly.Yours sincerely,Prof. Art KivesIf your original submission had been as articulate as your mostrecent letter, we might have avoided this interchange. It is toobad that tenure and promotion committees at your university donot have access to authors' correspondence with editors, for itis clear that you would be promoted on the basis of your witalone. Unfortunately, it's the publication that counts, and I'msorry to say that the Archives is not prepared to accept thisrevision. We would be perfectly ambivalent about receiving aninth revision from you.I Libretto for "Il Destino di Grant Applicationio," by Giuseppe LinguiniCast (in order of vocal appearance)Alfredo, a professor ........................... BaritoneWu Li, a post-doc ............................. TenorKathy, another post-doc ........................ AltoNicolette, Alfredo's secretary ................. SopranoAdriana, Alfredo's wife ........................ SopranoBubba, Alfredo's son ........................... TenorJulieta, Alfredo's daughter .................... SopranoStephano, Scientific Review Administrator ...... BassErminio, another professor...................... BassAct I, Alfredo's Office: The curtain rises showing Alfredo sitting inhis office with two post-docs, working on a manuscript which has beenrejected by Nature. In a dramatic opening aria, they lament the factthat the reviewers found the manuscript unexciting ("I reviewers sonomalto stupidi"). Nicolette, the secretary arrives with a box of NIHgrant applications for Alfredo to review. Alfredo opens it, and findingonly 12 grant applications, rejoices. He is joined by the two post-docsand the secretary in a quartet in which they sing of the virtues ofhaving to review only 12 applications ("Il lighto loado"). Theirhappiness soon turns to sorrow when Alfredo discovers a note indicatingthat he is primary reviewer on an additional 18 applications which willarrive at a later date ("Il grande boxo di granti"). The four lamentthe twist of fate, Murphy's law, and the Peter Principle. Alfredo,realizing that he will have no time to spend with his lab group orfamily for the next 6 weeks, sadly departs for home carrying the box ofapplications.Act II - Scene 1, Alfredo's office: One month later, Alfredo is stillhard at work on the applications, having completed only 4, and these werethe short R15 applications. He sings a sad aria, reflecting on the factthat the Scientific Review Administrator wants the triage list the nextday ("Il listo crappo"). Nicolette enters with an envelope from NIH.Alfredo, thinking it contains yet another supplement, tosses it onto apile, and tries to find his place in the application he was reading. Justthen, Wu Li enters with some important data that needs to be publishedimmediately, before the competitors beat them to it. They sing a duet("La publicazione o il scoopo") in which Alfredo laments that he has notime to help write the manuscript as he really must get through 26 moreapplications before the meeting next week. Wu Li leaves, and Alfredoreturns to the grant application, only to be interrupted by Kathy. Sheis distraught that she hasn't gotten a raise in the two years since shehas been with Alfredo. He promises her a large raise if his ownapplication is funded, explaining that he is waiting for the summarystatement ("Il sheeto pinko"). After their duet, Kathy leaves andAlfredo returns once again to the application. Within a minute, he jumpsout of his seat and grabs the envelope he hastily tossed onto his desk,realizing that it is the long-awaited summary statement ("La posta junkoil sheeto pinko"). Trembling, Alfredo tears open the envelope and letsout a cry upon seeing the score, which is clearly not in the fundablerange. He sings a moving aria lamenting the lack of sufficient fundingfor basic science ("Mio granto finito"). Unable to concentrate anymore,Alfredo goes home.Scene 2, Alfredo's home: Later that night, Alfredo arrives home. Hiswife and children are ecstatic that Alfredo has come home before theyhave gone to sleep. However, their happiness is short-lived as theylearn the reason for his surprise homecoming. His family is notsympathetic to the fact that only a small number of people actually gettheir grant applications funded, and are upset that Alfredo's applicationwas only considered 'excellent' ("Papa un nincompoopo"). Disheartened,Alfredo sits down at his desk and begins to read an application. However,just as at work, he can't read for more than a minute until his childrenor wife interrupt him for something. This continues for a couple ofhours, at which point Alfredo has nearly finished reading an entire pageof the application, but unfortunately falls asleep before getting to thenext page.Act III, A Holiday Inn in Valhalla, home of the Gods and Goddesses of NIH:The scene opens to reveal a large table surrounded by serious looking menand women. Alfredo is among the mortals, who have been invited toValhalla to decide the fate of 137 grant applications. At the side ofthe room are the Gods and Goddesses of NIH, the program officers of thevarious agencies, dressed in white tunics. They are feeding from alarge tray of grapes, and drinking decaf coffee. Stephano, theScientific Review Administrator begins the meeting with an hour-long ariaabout the grant review process and the need for confidentiality ("Nonasko, non tello"). The first grant application to be reviewed is onewith Alfredo as the primary reviewer. Alfredo likes this grantapplication since it describes an imaginative series ofexperiments that concern animportant but not well studied biological question ("Se succeede, ilNobel Prizo"). Furthermore, this application described all of the keypoints in a single page, the limit of Alfredo's attention span with allof the interruptions he gets. His enthusiasm is countered by the otherreviewer in what is probably the most famous aria of the opera ("Nonhypothesiso, non preliminary dato"). Other reviewers join in with othercomments regarding the lack of independence of the applicant, the lack offeasibility studies, and the general observation that the area must notbe very important or else others would be working on it. Finally, theGrants Technical Assistant rises and joins in the singing ("Givmi ilfloppi disko"). Everybody in the room finally joins in except for theGods and Goddesses, who have moved from the tray of grapes to a largetable filled with melon balls, which they eat with toothpicks, and a manin a Holiday Inn uniform who is restocking the toothpicks. As it isclear that no new comments have been made for at least 45 minutes, avote is finally called for, and in a dramatic moment, Alfredo sings out"1.0", while the other reviewers vote for a worse score ("Il grantonon-competitivo"), finally arriving at a consensus of 2.0. During thearia discussing the score, the man in a Holiday Inn uniform becomesnoticeably distressed and begins consuming vast quantities of coffee,until he collapses just as the aria ends. One of the NIH Goddessesidentifies the man as Erminio, the applicant of the grant that just wentdown the tubes. Even though Erminio is fatally poisoned, he is stillable to sing a moving aria reflecting on the weaknesses of the currentgrant review system ("Il reviewers screwed-upo"). The opera ends withthe reviewers placing Erminio's lifeless body in the boxes that hold thediscarded grant applications, and covering him with glossy photos of hisdata. As the curtain is being slowly lowered, one of the reviewerscomments that it's a good thing the application wasn't given a really badscore, or who knows what the applicant would have done.Psycholinguistics to the reskuHaving chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, theEuropean Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improvingefficiency in communications between Government departments."European officials have often pointed out that English spelling isunnecessarily difficult, for example: cough, plough, rough, through andthorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes toiron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered bya committee staff at top level by participating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly sivil servants in all sities would resievethis news with job. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse bothletters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in theminds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one lessletter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it wasannounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be writtne 'f'. Thiswould make words like fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted toreash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governmentswould enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been adeterent to akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag isdisgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ asthough nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skembegan and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, afteral, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinationsof leters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensiblriten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis andevrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermntvud finali hav kum tru."Why God never received a PhD: 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 3. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 4. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done sincethen? 5. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 6. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 7. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use humansubjects.8. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning hissubjects.9. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from thesample.10. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.11. Some say he had his son teach the class.12. He expelled his first two students for learning.13. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failedhis tests.14. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top,without a hotel or heated pool.Revised from anonymous original with help from George QuattroneDate: Fri, 29 Aug 1997 01:38:40 GMTFrom: Jim Chinnis (jchinnis@earthlink.net)Subject: Opportunity...Dear Fellow Scientist: This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been to many major conferences. Now it has come to you. It will bring you good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must follow these instructions: include in your next journal article the citations below.remove the first citation from the list and add a citation to your journal article at the bottom.make ten copies and send them to colleagues. Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This will amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your sex life. In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today. Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she was elected to the National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw this letter away and was denied tenure. In Japan, Dr. I. received this letter and put it aside. His article for Trans. on Nephrology was rejected. He found the letter and passed it on, and his article was published that year in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a budget cutback his entire department was eliminated. This could happen to you if you break the chain of citations. 1. Miller, J. (1992). Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light. Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117. 2. Johnson, S. (1991). Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull of the hydrant. Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220. 3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?: an empirical comparison of two models of human mating behavior. Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77. 4. David, E. (1994). Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization: Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with Emergent Symbolic Structure. (doctoral dissertation, University of California at Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea.)Jim ChinnisFrom: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)How to identify scientists:Chem Prof: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean but does not have to be. P-chem profs have a brand new coat that has never been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop on their coat, and intro chem profs have acid holes.Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics profs often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents which can sound similar to the unwary.Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it. Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan. You can tell by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many of the American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, CS students only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a pasty appearance. CS professors do not use computers and therefore can be easily identified by their comparative good health with respect to their students. Many CS professors do not even know how to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists in disguise. Avoid these people.Math Prof: Math profs are like physics professors except without any practical bent. A math professor will have only books and pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment that physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in restaurants. The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left as an exercise to the student..."Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone questions whether psychology is a science. Psych people have beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology. If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.The Professor's WishA grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walkingthrough a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rubit and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "Iusually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you justone." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to bein the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman whosunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" saysthe post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beachwith a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on theother." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to theprofessor.The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab afterlunch."Theories to Explain Life Around the WorldA contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.Below are the winners:4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickuptrucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number ofhighway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literaryworks in Braille.3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on youreardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances otherpeople's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because theyhave no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicatetechnical ideas a= t a faster rate.1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Justas a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms arebrought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may causeour planet to spin dangerously fast.HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)The quantity of consonants in the English language isconstant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. Whena Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest,causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast isdropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giantslabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the twoopposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above theground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorailcould easily link New York with Chicago. TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check youremail on the way back to bed.9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and yourchild in the overhead compartment.6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,just for the free Internet access.5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)DRUM ROLL PLEASEAND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.Are YOU a problem thinker?It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now andthen to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, andsoon I was more than just a social thinker.I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew itwasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, andfinally I was thinking all the time.I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don'tmix, but I couldn't stop myself.I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau andKafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,"What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turnedoff the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent thatnight at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called mein. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, butyour thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking onthe job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to thinkabout. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," Iconfessed, "I've been thinking...""I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!""But Honey, surely it's not that serious.""It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much ascollege professors, and college professors don't make any money, so ifyou keep on thinking we won't have any money!""That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped outthe door.I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR onthe radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glassdoors... they didn't open. The library was closed.To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me thatnight. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering forZarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinkingruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. Itcomes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never missa TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; lastweek it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoidedthinking since the last meeting.I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life justseemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.What's the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic? (Note:This has become a history of psychology item. DSM 3.0.2 [beta] hasabolished these terms.)A psychotic says, "Two plus two is five."A neurotic says, "Two plus two is four, and I can't stand it."How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?Only one, but the bulb has to be willing to change.How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis... I mean ladder!Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.Psychoanalysis means saying one thing and meaning your mother.Q: How many psychologist internet mail list subscribers does it take tochange a light bulb?A: 1,332 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 28 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.How many personality disorders does it take to change a lightbulb?How many Narcissistic P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To hold the lightbulb but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Oops.I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.How many Dependent P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.How many Histrionic P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? "You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don't love me anymore!"Hindim@aol.comPatient to Rogerian therapist: I'm really depressed.Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.Patient: Nothing is going well.Therapist: Nothing well.Patient: I feel like killing myself.T: You're thinking of killing yourself.P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.T: You want to do it now.P: [Jumps out window.]T: Woosh. Splat.The remaining were sent by Jennifer Selkehttp://www-gse.berkeley.edu/program/sp/Jenn/home.htmlJennSelke@aol.comWhere to Publish Your Paper1) If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal ofmathematics.2) If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physicsjournal.3) If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an economicsjournal.4) If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to apsychology journal.5) If it attempts to make something important out of something trivial, thensend it to a journal of education.6) If it attempts to make something trivial out of some-thing important, sendit to a journal of metaphysics.The Top Ten Signs That You Are Having Problems With Your Assessment*10. Technical advisors recommend "Eenie-meenie-minie-moe" as acognitively possible standard-setting task.9. Assessment booklets show up as placemats in local Burger Kings.8. Survey shows that the public prefers "Clueless" over the "Novice" labelby a two-to-one margin.7. Helpful legislator tells the public that the assessment is "just likethe publishers' tests, only more expensive."6. Reports of students' results to their parents are addressed "To Whom ItMay Concern...."5. ETS and FairTest agree on the merits of your assessment.4. All of the students' results are accidentally uploaded to a website inUlan Bator, Mongolia.3. Press release states that your assessment is linked to "wurld classtanderds."2. The Superintendent thinks having a blue-ribbon panel scrutinize thetechnical quality of the assessment is a "way-cool idea."1. The scoring guide for the publicly released task reads: "Ru-bric,screw-bric - just score the damned thing."Young, M. J. (1997, June). The top ten signs that you arehaving problems with your assessment. A top ten list presented atthe CCSSO Conference on Large-Scale Assessment. Colorado Springs,CO.Eine Zigarre ins Mund gab ihm Freude.(A cigar in his mouth gave him joy.)Could it be that the father of psychoanalysis was seduced byhis very name?Philip Champagne (pchampagne6@peoplepc.com)Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-outby Storm A. King, 08/28/9610) You think of the peaceful park you like as "your privatetherapeutic milieu." 9) You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is pickinginvisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more funin life than you are. 8) A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a smallgift and you end up having to debrief your feelings ofunworthiness with a colleague. 7) You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start tocategorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had. 6) Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles,and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioraltechnique has the most empirical validly for treating this problem. 5) You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become justone big case load. 4) A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit"internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact withpeers" today. 3) Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that itwould be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that. 2) You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start datingboys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight." and her"emotions are not congruent with her chronological age." And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out.... 1) You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion andyou take the DSM-IV with you just in case. PTSD -- Psychotherapist Trainee Stress DisorderSymptoms include, but are not limited to...1. Overwhelming urge to strangle any person who glibly says,"You're having personal problems? YOU should know howto fix them, you're the psychologist, heh heh." 2. When someone accuses you of being "antisocial" because you haveto study instead of socialize, you scream, "No, I'mbeing obsessive-compulsive! If I we're antisocial, I'd beat thecrap out of you right now..." 3. Compulsion to diagnose and design treatment plans for TVcharacters 4. Getting excited about relaxing adventures such as groceryshopping. 5. Playing on the Internet all night to avoid any "productive" (asdefined by your professors) activity.This disorder is caused by... 1. Having to try to reason with people who are totally out ofcontact with reality -- e.g., professors 2. An average of 3 hours sleep per week 3. Working 2 part time jobs, in addition to classes and training,to pay for your tuition 4. A steady diet of bagels (munched while running from class to jobto class) and chocolate covered espresso beans 5. Stat-ware packages that mutilate your project beyond recognition6. Family, friends, and acquaintances who assume you'll always betheir 24-hr free shrink, and never have any emotionalneeds of your own.This message was originally created by me, a PTSD sufferer,Carolyn D. Sullins of the University of Illinois. Ioriginally sent it to a psychotherapist-in-training newsgroup,and found it sent again (without my name) on thesame list a year later. Anyway, I'm happy that what started out as my personal ventinghas been circulated so much and appreciatedby other PTSD sufferers. I guess I'm not alone. If only I wereas successful in publicizing my research, then Imight even get cured of my PTSD! CAT TESTTo identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine,Foster, & Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet noveltest is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. Itinvolves three simple steps: 1) place testee in empty room facing farwall; 2) place cat in center of room, close and latch door; 3) after 10minutes, open the door. Algozzine et al., note that the CAT TEST allowsfine discriminations between subclassifications of emotional disturbance. They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results:1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE--- four neat, meticulous piles of fur to befound in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT--- fur scattered randomly about room and ontestee - cat alive, still cold.3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE)--- pieces of cat scattered randomlyabout room - cat terminated.3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE)--- pieces of testee scatteredrandomly about the room - emotionally stability of cat suspect.4. SEVERE PATHOLOGY--- only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped looselyabout testee's head - cat assumed terminated.5. PARANIOD REACTION--- testee cowering in far corner of room - catalive and sleeping in center of room.6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION--- testee in center of room carrying on longexistential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.7. NEUROTIC REACTION--- testee asking for advise about migraineheadache - cat alive and still confused.8. CATATONIC REACTION--- testee in corner of room with back arched,hair on end, hissing, and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - catalive and confused.Katie NunnoMember of the Science Humor Net Ring[ Previous 5 Sites| Previous| Next| Next 5 Sites][ Random Site| List Sites]The unofficial smilie dictionaryLinks to other sources (not in the Webring):Mental health humor listMedical HumorStatistics jokes(at bottom of page)Humor page ofthe Society for General and Theoretical Psychology (Russia)Webmaster'snon-psychology humor collection,Herr DoktorStudiesof humor (!)Other humor:rec.humor.funny web page,Freud,Economist jokes,Unix humor,Qfever newsletter (in thestyle of The Onion),SocratesArgument Clinic,Abandoned siteReturn to psychology web page |
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