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Psych Jokes Psych Jokes A psychiatrist asked her multiple personality patient, “So, do you feel like you’re cured.” He replied, “Absolutely. We’ve never felt better.”A woman goes to her psychiatrist and complains, “I can’t make any friends, doctor.” He replies, “Why do you think that is?” She answered, “I don’t know, you stupid, fat, ugly idiot.”What does a neurotic have in common with a near-sighted, horny squirrel? They’re both @#$%ing nuts!Why did the manic-depressive cross the road?…Who cares? What does any of it matter?How can anybody possibly believe in the collective unconscious? It’s easy - if you’re Jung at heart.They just installed a new answering system at the clinic. It asks anyone suffering from obsessive/compulsive disorder to press one…repeatedly. If he or she is paranoid, press two…but don’t look behind you. If you have multiple personalities, have your alter ego, Mr. Pretzels, press three, four and five. And, if you have a self-esteem problem, don’t waste our time.What does a paranoid have in common with the all-knowing master of time space and dimension that secretly controls all of our lives?…Right, like you don’t know.To define Pathological Narcissist, see Madonna. She recently opened her new restaurant down in Miami. It didn’t take long for the health inspector to get involved when they found an infestation of disgusting bacteria and assorted vermin throughout the place. Turns out it was just Madonna inviting her old boyfriends to the grand opening.A doctor asked his patient trying to quit smoking, “Do you smoke after sex?” She responded, “I don’t know. I never looked.”How did Sigmund’s wife get him turned on? She’d show up wearing only her Freudian slip.What does a codependent order for lunch?…I don’t know. What do you think I should say?Why did the movie theater employee have to enter therapy for blaming others for his problems? He’s a projectionist.How does the delusional know he isn’t God? Because I am!A congressional committee has passed the first version of the Bush Health Plan, including a special prevision for pathological sexual addiction. The bill is sponsored by Senator Ted Kennedy, and it encourages mental and physical well being through extensive cardio-vascular exercise -- without pants.How does someone with chronic memory loss shop for groceries?…What? Hmm? Sorry?What does a dyslexic devil worshiper do on weekends? He worships Santa.A clinical hypnotherapist induced a trance to a large group of volunteers and ordered them to do whatever he said immediately upon command. Unfortunately, he tripped over his own couch and yelled…”Shit!”An ugly guy walks into a bar and asks the best-looking woman if he can buy her a drink. She shouts, “No, I won’t sleep with you, you disgusting pig.” A few minutes later, she apologizes, explaining that she’s a psych student researching humiliation. He shouts back, “What do you mean you’ll do for oral for an extra $20?”Hundreds of Barbra Streisand’s possessions will be sold at an auction in Los Angeles. Amongst all these items there is one rumored to be so big, so spectacularly grand, so priceless that no dollar amount could possibly be placed on it. Fortunately, her ego’s not for sale.A psychiatrist interviews a patient recovering from a head injury. When asked if the patient had any long-term side effects, he answered, “I’m fine. I used to use the wrong words in a sentence on occasion, but now I’m push-up bra fuse box Hubert Humphrey.”Do you know the difference between a healthy man and one obsessed with penile inadequacy? Of course, not.What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a prostitute? About $20.What do you ask a multiple personality sufferer after sex? “Well, was it good for you guys, too?”A beautiful woman goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, I can’t help it. Every time I meet an impolite guy, I must immediately have sex with him.” The doctor responded, “Shut up, you whore!”A middle-aged man went to a therapist while facing a mid-life crisis. The doctor encouraged him to get out into the world and travel: “Experience new places. Eat new foods. In my life, I’ve eaten shark and snake. Have you ever had the hump of a camel?” The patient replied: “No, but when I was younger, I was pretty good.”You just might be a psychology graduate student if... ...you spend more on books than on tuition....you actually hope your professor assigns homework....you get a 4 hour final with 5 questions or less....the words "free time" are unfamiliar to you. ...you spend Saturday morning waiting for the library to open....you've memorized your professors' home phone numbers....your professors know your home phone number....more than 25% of your textbook is "left as an exercise for the reader."...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. ...you have ever brought a homework to a bar. ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop....everything reminds you of something in your discipline. ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event. ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper....you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library....you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes....you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin....you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation. psycho humorPsychiatric Hot-line.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 4.If you have multiple personalities, please press 1, 4, 5, and 6.If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."The doctors didn't find it ok, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in:"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive.""Minds and Behinds.""Lost Souls and Assholes.""Analysis and Anal Cysts.""Queers and Rears.""Nuts and Butts.""Freaks and Cheeks.""Loons and Moons."None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally decided on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." Send jokes to: webmaster@psychjokes.com |
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